Nothing left to lose
by callitwhatyouwant
Summary: "Now I see that you and me, we were never meant, never meant to be." A story about love, and love lost.


**Stephenie Meyer owns. **

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><p><strong>Nothing left to lose<strong>

"Excuse Me," I muttered, stepping into the crowded pub.

Pushing my way through the throng of people, I ignored the butterflies that fluttered in my stomach and began my search for Alice.

Figuring they were in our regular spot, I headed toward the right hand corner next to the stage, making a quick decision to bypass the bar.

Squeezing my way through two large men I noted how busy tonight was. O'Rileys on a Friday always brought in a regular crowd, but this was on a whole other level. I felt glad for Mike the owner- I knew he needed the business.

As my eyes glanced around, they fell on the back of a tall lean man. I watched the muscles in his back contract through his tight t-shirt as his arms dragged a platinum blonde towards him, unabashedly groping the copious amounts of exposed skin.

Even through the thick haze that blanketed the room, I could make out the fiery copper hair that stuck up in tufts– hair that I had so frequently ran my hands through.

I felt my lungs constrict, the falling feeling as my heart and stomach plummeted what felt like ten feet underground.

I didn't think he could so soon.

As though he could sense my eyes his head turned to the side, his body twisting around.

I quickly ducked behind three girls, suddenly grateful for the crowd, and for women who teased their hair. Deciding I sure as hell needed that drink now, I made my way to the bar, grabbed a scotch and coke, and said a quick hello to Mike before I hurriedly made my way to Alice.

As I got closer, I could hear Emmett's booming laughter and I finally popped out into an open space.

There the four of them sat; two couples perfect for each other and I ached for the time when there used to be three.

"You're finally here!" Alice chirped, dragging me into a hug. Behind her, perched on a tall bar stool sat Jasper, Alice's boyfriend. I sent him a nod, and a smile before turning and acknowledging the canoodling couple to his left.

Sitting on separate bar stools-which may as well have been one, was Emmett and Rosalie-a couple who made PDA look like a porno.

I ignored the bile that was still threatening to rise, and took a big gulp of my drink relishing the burn of the scotch down my throat. Mike had made it a double.

As though she could read my mind, Alice put her hand through mine and gave me a reassuring squeeze and a look that said, "Are you alright?"

Pulling my thoughts away from hair the color of autumn leaves and skinny blonde bimbos, I gave her a small smile and paid my attention to what Alice was wearing.

If any girl could look amazing all the time it would be Alice. There she stood in tight skinny leg jeans that hugged her curves perfectly. Her hair was flicked out to one side stylishly, whilst the other was sleeked back. Wearing a black off the shoulder top, she finished it off with high heel open toed wedges that were… leopard print.

"Oh god Alice! Only you could pull those off without looking like a total hooker."

She giggled, wriggling her toes that were adorned with red.

"Aren't they to die for!"

"They certainly make me want to kill myself," I joked, dodging her playful swipe.

Alice's style was cute and edgy where as mine was more… Grunge princess. For my last performance I was wearing a grey oversized _Motörhead_ t-shirt that fell mid thigh, over the knee black socks and black ankle boots. My long brown hair fell loose around me in soft waves, and I had a few necklaces hanging around my neck.

"So Bella," Jasper piped up, "Are you nervous?"

"Yeah Bella!" Emmett chimed in, "Are you shitting bricks? Look how many people there are! Not to mention E-"

Rosalie slapped him across the arm interrupting Emmett, before interjecting, "There is no way in hell Bella is nervous. She's going to kick ass."

I nodded at her in thanks, not just for her confidence, but also for stopping Emmett from saying a name that I was trying extremely hard to forget.

"Speaking of," I murmured, looking at my watch. "It's show time." I winked at Emmett, who was looking a little sheepish, and he gave me a grin.

"Go knock em' dead Bella." He held out his fist, bumping it with mine.

"Thanks Em."

I made my way on stage, grabbing my guitar, and sitting on the stool that had been previously set up. Earlier today, I had popped in setting up the stage and also letting Mike know that this would be my last show.

"I'm really sorry to hear that Bella," he said, his eyes reflecting sincerity.

He had always had a soft spot for me, and I had always regarded him highly.

The fact that he had hired me after a quick audition considering all he had probably heard was… really nice. He had given me a chance, where a lot of people wouldn't have… and that would always ring true to me.

A "WOO GO BELLA!" from Alice, broke me out of my reverie, and I hushed my cheering squad down with my hand.

Fixing the microphone in front of my mouth I adjusted myself, taking a deep breath in the process and getting into the zone.

"Hi everyone," my voice echoed into the microphone, "As most of you know, my name is Bella Swan, and I'm a regular performer here…"

A few cheers broke out and I smiled, nodding my head in appreciation.

"Thanks guys… Uh unfortunately this will be my last time performing here, so I'd just like to thank everyone… "

A few boos broke out but I kept speaking, my eyes scanning the crowd but I kept them glazed. Keeping myself from focusing on anything… or anyone.

"…Mike especially for giving me this opportunity… uh to Alice and co. for encouraging me to do this… and lastly to you guys who haven't thrown tomatoes at me… yet."

Applause broke out, and Mike got on his microphone behind the bar-

"Three cheers for Bella!" he laughed, encouraging the audience to cheer.

"Hip, Hip Hooray!"

"Hip, Hip, Hooray!"

"Hip, Hip, Hooray!"

The audience cheered.

"Okay that's enough! Now let the girl sing!"

I gave the crowd a few minutes to wind down, as I mentally prepped myself.

_You can do this Bella. Ignore him. Ignore the way you can feel him- his eyes boring into you. Ignore the way you feel. Tomorrow you will be leaving… leaving everything behind. Again. _

I started strumming an upbeat melody; one that I knew was a crowd favorite.

In fact most of my set list were crowd favorites.

As one song drifted into another, I could feel myself cracking beneath his stare.

I clenched my eyes shut, pitifully trying to block out the heavy burn that was being inflicted on me from the middle of the room.

I looked to my left and caught the concerned looks on my friend's faces. I dipped my head in acknowledgement, silently telling them I was okay.

Slowly but surely my set list dwindled down until I was up to my last song.

I ground my teeth together, feeling the anger swell inside me. How could I let one person have so much power over me? The question rang hollow within me- the anger that was so quick to rise was also quick to fall, leaving me with nothing but a deep sense of sorrow.

All I could do was hope to forget.

Informing the crowd that this was my last song, I adjusted myself on the stool and shut my eyes, finally giving myself permission to say all that I felt.

Strumming my guitar, my fingers held down chords that formed long melancholy notes that dripped with heavy nostalgia.

Letting my sadness seep through, the atmosphere changed dramatically, the room filling with memories of lost summers and lost lovers.

I began to sing.

**I was only 19, and you were 29, it's just 10 years but its such a long time and in a heartbeat, I'd do it all again-**

A tidal wave of emotion surged through me; a cocktail of relief, sadness, anger, and plain exhaustion flooding each word that escaped my mouth. My lungs inhaled the freedom, my soul slightly lifting with the few bricks of burden that tumbled from the ruins of my heart.

**-Late night sex, smokin' cigarettes**

**I try real hard but I can't forget**

**Now in a heartbeat, I would do it all again.**

**Now I see that you and me were never meant**

**Never meant to be now**

**Now I'm lost somewhere-**

Chancing a glance at Alice I could see the pure sadness on her face and I knew that it was a clear reflection of mine. I closed my eyes and sang on, feeling as if I was ripping open stitches.

**-Lost between Elvis and suicide**

**Ever since the day we died, well**

**I've got nothing left to lose**

**After Jesus and Rock N Roll**

**Couldn't save my immoral soul, well**

**I've got nothing left**

**I've got nothing left to lose**

**Callin' out sins just to pass the time**

**But life goes by in the blink of an eye**

**You know I want you**

**You were only lookin' for a friend **

**And everything I was**

**And everything that I've become**

**Just falls into the end and-**

I could feel my despair now clinging to each word as I laid out my dismal love life for the world to see. My chin wobbled with vulnerability, my cheeks aflame with the prickle of his stare. I knew that if I was to catch his eye now, I would cry.

**-Now I see that you and me were never meant**

**Never meant to be now**

**Now I'm lost somewhere**

**Lost between Elvis and suicide**

**Ever since the day we died, well**

**I've got nothing left to lose**

**After Jesus and Rock N Roll**

**Couldn't save my immoral soul, well**

**I've got nothing left**

**I've got nothing left to lose-**

I could hear my voice crack as I sang the next line, could feel the courage rise up in me to look him in the eye. I realized now that this song is my goodbye. Slowly raising my gaze, I ran my eyes over to where he stood, still avoiding his stare. I soaked in his long lean stance, and noted that his arm was still around a faceless blonde. This was what I needed to give me the courage to say my words with utter conviction. Finally I raised my eyes to his. His face was blank yet intense with an emotion that I couldn't quite distinguish. His green eyes bored into mine with such force, it was hard not to look away. But with sad determination I sang the end of the song to him; my final farewell.

**-Now I see that you and me were never meant**

**Never meant to be now**

**Now I'm lost somewhere…**

**Lost between Elvis and suicide**

**Ever since the day we died, well**

**I've got nothing left to lose**

**After Jesus and Rock N Roll**

**Couldn't save my immoral soul, well**

**I've got nothing left**

**I've got nothing left to lose….**

I trailed off still staring at him. In that stare held my remorse- A "I'm sorry that I wasn't enough for you."

I couldn't read his.

Slowly applause filtered through, and I felt our connection weaken. Graciously nodding my head I looked over at a crying Alice who was being consoled by Jasper. She returned my faint smile with a watery one and Rosalie just nodded at me with quiet respect. Emmett just looked sad.

When I looked back, he was gone.

After grabbing my guitar and clearing the stage, I glanced up one last time scanning the crowd. I did this so quickly I almost missed the dash of coppery hair that disappeared through the door. Almost.

When the sky was tinged with pink-and I had exhausted my goodbyes-I hopped into my car and drove towards the horizon leaving a town; a small family, and my heart behind.


End file.
